13.11.

I can’t sleep. At all. I’m more than stressed and depressed now. This phase of depression’s really torturing me… This all might be caused of my birthday. Yea..today is my birthday. And normally I should be happy and grateful. But now… what I feel inside is different…Today is really freakin me out. I’m scared on my birthday. I am paranoid, feel creepy about my ‘aging’ thing. Even though I am just turning into 18 y.o right now, but I feel…kinda….old… Who says 18 is old? No one. 18, the year when everythings might be-can- turn to be better and better (and it should be). Cause everyone’s always hoping about the best thing on their birthday, right? That’s why, things like ‘wish’ ‘hope’ and ‘faith’ being so useful. But how if those 3 words that should fill your birthday spirit, cannot fill your heart indeed? Yes, you’ve got no spirit ,then. That is my feeling senses now… Feel like I don’t have a chance in this age. I don’t have a chance to goin through to the next page of my life. After this 13th November, I never imagine how my life will be…. Gosh. Why am I being so pessimist these now? I realized… these all well-related to my bipolar. Once again. Bipolar. I should repeat it twice, just so you know how affected it is to me. I am tired. Super tired of concern about every seconds, every minutes, every morning, every night, every changing of the days, every time the sun shining then like burned my life with no chance !!! I’m tired of faking. I’m tired being so hopeful but the fact… nothing I should be hoping for… This is so numb… yesterday, 12th I planned about something humiliated. What? Suicide. Again. I bought a cutter after ran from my dad house, but now… I’m afraid… My heart abit scared… Not about the pain, not about the humiliation… But about the sins I’ll bring into the afterlife… May be I can’t talk too much about these things, but the only one thing I knew… There’s a hell and heaven. And each of us will fill in it. Then where I will be in? Is suicide can bring me a better life kind of heaven ? Nope. That will bring me into the worst part. At least that’s the story ending that I know. But sometimes knowing how the story would be end doesn’t make this heart braced to-not—to-do-it. The aches came and went filling my heart. Lost in the darkness, for so along times, with no light, with no direction. Many times, I went to the wrong directions. And so a thousand times more I tried to be back, back to the right direction again. To where ‘normal’ things is should be. But sometimes it’s hard to maintained it. I gave up. And got to the wrong directions over and over again. And in this 18… I’m completely like a wreckage of the walls. Some others stand still but the rest of it destroyed to be a fragment-fragment walls with no used. I don’t know how to rebuild it. I don’t know how to make it to be a great wall that sturdy to stand. I don’t know how to start… I don’t know where to begin….